entertaining a thought

On having a psychosis

~ florries ~ Leave a comment

In 2016 and 2017 I had two psychoses, which were journeys into multiple dimensions of consciousness. Taxing and tiresome, but fascinating and life altering. A catharsis that I wouldn’t want to live without. This is how I experienced it.

Before you read, please note that I know that maybe all that I went through during the psychoses wasn’t real. But it was very authentic for me at the time and it altered my consciousness forever.

It all started late one evening in September 2016. I had a workshop in traveling down the ancestral lines and only one person showed up in the end. She looked nervous when she realized that she was alone and warned me that with her, something could happen to me – like a transference of her state of mind. I felt a bit nervous too, I had had a burn out in 2015 and I wondered if I was strong enough to work with her. But in the end we did the session anyway. It was deep and intense and afterwards she thanked me wholeheartedly.

I ended up sleeping in the workshop space, seeing how some of my own ancestors were cleaning up the room. As I went home, the visions kept coming, which was nothing I worried to much about. I am used to experiencing the world as a multidimensional place, it’s just that normally, I can turn off and on or at least, the visions will calm down after a while. This time, they didn’t.

After a few days, I started to realize that this was different than before. I hardly slept (this would go on for three months) and I had trouble keeping up with my daily shores. I was right in the middle of a battle with an entity in the ancestral lines of Vienna, Austria, where I lived at the time. I remember it so well, it went on for days. In the end, I experienced that I had to rid myself of all parts of me except for my heart and my will, and then I blew the entity into pieces. These pieces would follow me for the months to come.

It might sound scary, which it at times was, but it was also fascinating and exciting, and this is how the psychosis would feel like until the end. I don’t have any children and I didn’t have a job at the time, so I could spend my time with really indulging in having a psychosis. It was truly exhilarating, I experienced states of mind that I had wanted to experience my entire life. I traveled the universe and various dimensions of existence. It was stressful because it never stopped, but it was truly awesome as well.

Photo by Greg Rakozy, unsplash.com

I went for many walks, almost every day, I would walk for hours and hours, usually with a back pack full of stuff that I for some reason thought that I needed to have with me. During one of these walks I met fairies in the forest. I got to go to fairy school, which was mainly about giving and receiving magical gifts. I got little student hats when I made progress and the whole thing went on for hours. I always wanted to meet fairies and with the state of mind that I was in the ability to do so was there.

During another time, the experience was that I re-lived my whole trauma therapy that I had undergone during three years in 2010-2013. In three days I looked into a mirror and saw the whole journey unfolding around me, like little animations around my body.

Some of the time I would have spiritual teachers from all around the world coming to teach me lessons. It was one teacher at noon, one at 2 pm, one at 4 pm and so on, intense but oh my, so enriching.

Other times I would lie down on a mattress that I had in my living room, seeing manifestations of the various psychological challenges and states of mind of people in my life. Like one person who had flying monkeys around his head, which would attack and attach themselves to others. Another had their whole lower body frozen to ice and so on.

During the same trip, I had the experience that people from my life journey would come to me, like ex boyfriends and such, to test me and mock me in a way. I had to go through some deep, personal process to liberate myself from each one. This was a bit scary, but after each such experience I felt lighter and more whole.

Another experience was that I had beings enticing me to tell my A Fairytale again and again until it was “perfect”. This was very tiresome, but I think that in the end, it has made the story so much deeper.

Ongoing was the experience of helping lost souls pass on to the other side.

So much happened and this post is going to be too long if I try to tell them all to you. In the end, my ex boyfriend came and helped me to the airport and sent me to Stockholm, Sweden, to my family. After about two weeks they took me to the hospital, where I was so well treated. I got medications and yes, light electrical shocks (ECT treatments) and it all helped tremendously.

About a year later, I had another psychosis, which was not as intense and deep as the first one. I managed to pack my whole apartment (I had to move out) at the same time as having it. It was also shorter, about a month or so. But I did end up in the hospital this time around as well, this time in Austria, and experienced so nice treatment there as well.

Right now I am still on medications. I hope to get medicine free and my doctor says that the possibility is there. However, the dose that I take is quite low and I feel like myself. The only thing that I regret is that I put on a lot of weight due to my earlier medications, but I am loosing it fast now so I guess also this will be a memory, a part of the journey. I will also miss being fat – read more about that in my previous post.

All in all – it was fascinating, exhilarating, awesome and amazing to have my psychoses. It was also exhausting, tiresome and stressful. I don’t think that I could have handled it if I would not have undertaken deep, spiritual journeys before. I do not want another one, it has taken too much time to heal afterwards (years…). But I would never want to live without them. I feel as if I know myself on a deeper level than ever before. After all the rest that I have been fortunate enough to enjoy, I also feel stronger, more creative and happier. By having these experiences, something changed inside me and the transformation is lasting.

About being fat

~ florries ~ 1 Comment

For three years now I have been fat, due to medications. It is so interesting – the difference in how people see you and interact with you. I get way more compliments for my personality than my looks compared to before. Men meet me much more like a friend than through flirting. I am loosing weight now and the funny thing is – I will miss it.

2017-18 I had two psychosis after having a burn out in 2015. They were the deepest spiritual experiences of my life, so I am happy about it, even though they were tiring experiences (for example, almost no sleep for three months…). I met fairies, traveled the universe and various dimensions. I was under the impression of learning from spiritual teachers from all around the world. So much happened…

I ended up in a hospital, twice, and got such good care, it was amazing. Now I have a diagnosis, schizoaffective disorder. But with a quite low dose of medication I am just fine. Actually I am happier than ever! And I have been so for two years now, for no apparent reason at all.

But during that journey I ate a medication, Seroquel, that causes weight gain for many. I gained about 30-40 kilos, an absolutely enormous change to my body. Being a dancer I felt how I could not move freely anymore, which is what I missed the most. One also gets tired from just moving a little bit, which is very irritating.

However, the most interesting part is how people interact with you. I got the feeling many times that I should be ashamed of myself, not living up to the ideals of beauty that we have in society. When I went shopping, I could sometimes feel the cashier thinking “are you gonna eat all that?”… The looks on the street were sometimes very condemning, but also the lack thereof were a big change. Not having men turning around after and saying things to you was at times sad, but oh so very relaxing as well. I never realized what kind of stress that was. It is sometimes so difficult to know how to react, one wants to be kind but at the same time keep a healthy, personal distance.

When meeting new people in more intimate surroundings or at festivals, I often found myself explaining why I was so fat. This is of course due to my own insecurities, at least partly. Maybe others actually wonder about it, in our society, in Sweden, it is not so common to be overweight. The most interesting thing though was how many compliments I suddenly got about my personality than about my looks. It’s not like I never got them before, but the amount of such comments increased drastically.

In the interactions with men I got a feeling that they are less intimidated by me than before. It is easier to make friends, and other women are more relaxed about me doing so. This has resulted in new friendships, and many a deep conversation. I mean, I did have male friends before, but there was often, if not always, some kind of flirting going on, or a vibe in the air of sexual attraction. The difference to now is truly amazing. None of that remains, just simple connection, like I have with other women. I love it!

So now I have changed my medications, I eat one on which one can loose weight. And I am exercising and eating very healthy so I am loosing weight very fast. I am delighted to do so, I miss the bodily freedom the most. And I do look forward to flirting… However, I will think back on the time of being fat as something beautiful. The interactions with others are somewhat easier, less complicated. The freedom of going on the street without being constantly looked at and talked to is fantastic. Getting more compliments about my personality than ever before is heart warming.

I will truly miss being fat.

Let’s love men

~ florries ~ Leave a comment

man-alone

A male friend commented on a recent post I did on “One Billion Rising” – a movement acting to stop and raise awareness on violence against women and girls – saying that he HATES MEN. Through an emoticon he then expressed his sadness about the behavior of (some) men. This is my answer:

Beautiful friend, please LOVE MEN and thus – love yourself. I do as well, as much as I can, more and more every day. I honor and cherish every man who has the courage to dive into their emotions and other spaces that has been just as prohibited for them as, for example, political power has been for women in our history.

So many men are exposed to violence every day, most often (even if not always), men are and have been the vast majority of soldiers in every war since at least 6000 years. On top of that, they have been, and – globally – often still are, kept from having deep and meaningful relationships with their children.

More than often, men have also carried the role of enforcing our strange laws and cultural habits, themselves forced by social contracts and the pressure to provide food, shelter, money – not for only themselves but also for their families, tribes, wider community, country… How often have not priests, lawyers, kings, knights, noblemen, politicians, chiefs, husbands, fathers been (felt…) forced to act against their own hearts, against their inner child, against their intuition – against the very things that make us human – to do their job.

Men also suffer greatly under expectations. We often talk about how many roles a modern woman is expected to fulfill – what about the men? There are expectations on them to be that strong warrior, the gentleman (but not too much, it can be considered provocative), have a well trained body, have a well-paid job that preferably also should be exiting and impressive, travel (preferably to exiting places doing smth dangerous) AND take care of their children, spend a lot of time with their significant other, etc etc.

I could go on but I am tired…. (I wrote this just before going to sleep).

But I wanted to write this, to myself and to you, to just say – lets LOVE MEN. Lets forgive and forget. Lets release our old stories and write new ones. Lets discover – beneath our stories and cultural interpretations – what it really means to be a man and what it means to be a woman.

I think that the disrespect and aggression that some men show towards women, as well as their own children, only mirrors their inner pain and the aggression and disrespect that they are shown and have been exposed to themselves.

I deeply honor all the amazing men in my life, so many of which are in a deep, courageous, conscious and heartfelt process of healing their patterns and themselves. You are one of them.

Love yourself 🙂 ❤
Big hug!

(The text above was written after One Billion Rising 2016, just found it today as a “memory” reminder generated by Facebook. Below a quote from a good article about men and feelings.)

“Just because men aren’t adept at expressing their feelings, don’t for a minute think they don’t feel, and feel deeply. Many times, men express their feelings using a secret code—a code that even they can’t decipher.

Men may convert one feeling into another. Men may convert stereotypically feminine feelings, such as sadness or vulnerability, into feelings like anger or pride—feelings more socially acceptable for them to experience.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-the-questions/201401/how-crack-the-code-men-s-feelings

 

reflections on karma and practising unconditional love in the real world

~ florries ~ Leave a comment

Giving and recieving - image from Wikipedia

The discussion about Unconditional Love and Dark Beings is continuing on the Evolver-forum, and someone asked me how does living in unconditional love – or True Love as I call it – fit with living in the real world, without be taken advantage of. He continued saying that Karma is such an un-fair idea, that he detested the idea that we are suffering as a punishment for something that we have done earlier, and wondered if one then should tell a victim of abuse that they are just learning a lesson which they deserve and should love their abuser. Here some reflections on this:

When it comes to Karma, I think that this is a very misused concept, trivialized into some kind of punishment circle by our dominant institutions. How do we know that it is a punishment for a soul to suffer? Seriously – how do we know anything? How can we be sure that even the worst murderer cannot be “faster” (in the time dimension) enlightened that you, because suddenly it says click in this Being?

This is not at all saying that I promote that people should suffer, or murder, but that we really do not know anything for sure while walking in this Existence. Therefore I think that interpreting Karma is a very tricky issue easy to be mistaken on, even for an Enlightened Being, I imagine. I think that as A Being one is always “limited” to (or blessed with) interpreting of the Experienced, and no matter how accurate they are, these interpretations will always be faulty.

When it comes to interacting with other people I see it best to act according to our nature – which I believe to be True Love in Freedom, and here in this Existence we are evolving to exist as One-and-Apart in True Love. Please bare with me through abstract thoughts and I’ll get back to the practical ones:

Put into words, I believe that we were once One True Love and we wanted to Experience Loving. But only a truly free and thus open Being can vibrate in True Love, and the different Universes – Existence – are experiments around finding this. To do that we split up in unique pieces, free pieces – this is difficult, and I think what we Experience here on Earth right now is “finding our way” – which means making a lot of mistakes.

I think every time you walk into life you go through this transformation of being One becoming One-and-Apart, including when you go through a re-birth process while living, you re-experience this process. I see these re-experiences as steps in refining this process as a whole – and the “goal” is to Love each other, all the time, truly, even if we are a part.

At the same time, we are always at “the goal” – One-and-Apart in True Love as well as True Love as One, since at one level Time does NOT exist. I by the way believe that Experience always exists, and can be achieved with our without time.

By the way – do you know that there are scientists in theoretical physics that think that we are creating our Universe by sending signals back to the time to before the big bang, where all laws of physics brake down? This is what I am talking about – maybe this is how we create our reality, finding the way to express, vibrate in True Love with each other. I wrote more about this here, just some notes really:
https://florries.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/on-creating-reality-by-our-thou…

So – now finally =) – on a practical level this perspective brings with it the consequence that one can see how everyone are struggling to find their way to Freedom to get to vibrate in True Love – we all feel this way. And since we all feel this way, no one is really doing anything wrong or bad – they are just expressing “problems in our system” that need to be met.

Facing this can be difficult, and one can need help with it, and I think we should help each other in such situations and see it as an exercise in reaching freedom in True Love. In doing so, we promote our own True Nature. Therefore someone who is suffering is not only learning, but giving us an example – and a chance to help someone to freedom. Through helping we them we also help ourselves to freedom, not only because we are one but because such an experience can be very illuminating and help you understand your own process.

Now, with “someone who is suffering” I mean both “victims” and “offenders”, since they are both suffering from not being Free in True Love, although they might need to be helped/supported/inspired in different ways to become free. Maybe sometimes people even will be locked up because others experience them as too much harm – and I see no real bad thing in doing that. But imagine for a second a prison system who is inspired from seeing All as One in Unconditional, True Love – a place which truly works with love and compassion to free its inhabitants from beings slaves under their disturbed emotions…

So do we “deserve” the suffering we get in life? I think basically that we only deserve True Love and Freedom, in transformative peace. But I believe that on one level we have chosen to go through this process to become One-and-Apart in True Love.

I am writing on a theory called The Theory of the Blooming Society and the Positive Multitude which talks about this in a more scientific way, using deductive logical argumentation and science to talk about what we gain on loving each other

– so “I’ll be back” like we say in Austria – quite soon actually =)

I accept that the answer to the question “who am I?” is eternal